Who’s a gentleman in the most literal sense:
Gentle, in other words, yet bona fide man?
Who, in romance, spares no expense,
everything going according to plan?

Who’s got a brain the size of a melon,
the flexing of neurons rocking a mountain?
Who’s more inventive than the craftiest felon,
brilliance erupting like a heavenly fountain?

Who, before himself, thinks of creation,
“The last shall be first” taken to infinity?
Who’s rocketing ever toward self-actualization
And on to enlightenment, maybe divinity?

Who’s still rather humble despite the above,
despite beauty of body, soul, and mind?
Who’s merely a servant of hope and love
sowing his gifts as boons to mankind?

Who’s - is that a zit?

        - ahem -

Who’s not ashamed to look this crummy
’cause he gave the poor his zit cream money?

The Muse casts into my mouth
and the hook slides down my throat.
She grins and winks, and pulls up the hood on her poncho.

Smog swirls in my heart
and the hook dips deep in the depths
and I feel it teasing unexpected selves down there -
unexpected, yet familiar.

The Muse yanks, and on its way out the hook scrapes
and I bleed bad writing.
I cough it up, horrified.
And then I take a little jar
and frantically collect it all
- like candy from a piñata -
because I know it’s my blood.

PAUSE.
REPLACE REDHEAD WITH BRUNETTE.
RESUME.

Rushing rivers of warmth stampede through him.
Energy flutters from lips to toes.
Their bodies separate, his heart still quaking.
Her brown eyes say, Love only happens once.

It was a formatting nightmare, so you’ll have to look at the PDF file!
READ IT.

Random letters appear on the screen one by one. Form words to eliminate letters and score points. The letters come faster and faster, and when they fill the screen, you lose!

DOWNLOAD LEXCESS 0.9 (MS Windows)
GET SOURCE CODE

TO RUN LEXCESS:
Double-click the downloaded file. This will open the Lexcess installer. Follow its directions. Then, whenever you want to play Lexcess, find it in the Start Menu.

Lexcess is in BETA, which means there may still be bugs! If you encounter any bugs (e.g. crashes) or have any suggestions, please leave a comment describing the problem in detail. Or just leave a comment saying what you think of the game!

Relieve your quarantine-induced boredom for forty seconds or so with my new Norovirus Simulator! Watch the disease spread via person-to-person contact or a contaminated environment (AKA piles of puke). Includes realistic barfing sounds, recorded by actual Norovirus victims!

DOWNLOAD THE NOROVIRUS SIMULATOR

TO RUN NOROVIRUS SIMULATOR:
Unzip the downloaded file by right-clicking on it and selecting “Extract all…”. Click through the Wizard that pops up, using all default options. This will create a folder called “norovirus-simulator” in the same location as the downloaded file. Open that folder and double-click “NorovirusSimulator.exe”.

Remember that time you cried all night?
I remember it like I was there.
Now, sand in your hourglass slips through my white-knuckled fingers.

Your arthritic, underwalked legs mosey from bed to couch, couch to bed.
Your bowels don’t give a crap anymore.
Your tail is listless.
Your ears - wait - can you even hear this?

…Well?

Whatever, just stop pooping on the carpet, ok?

From the makers of the Amulet of Yendor Trilogy comes this incredible menu-based adventure game. You must fight your way through seven days of summer camp and avoid injury at all cost! How will you stack up against the pros?

-Encounter the mighty Bigfoot!
-Explore dangerous caverns!
-Attempt to pick up chicks!
-Escape the outhouse dungeons!

Lake Sohcahtoa: Campground of Horrors was originally released in 2005 on the TI-83+ graphing calculator. (See promotional material here.) It has been ported to the browser-based “Sasquatch Edition” below. It is followed by a sequel, Sohcahtoa High School (coming soon to the Benson Basement).

PLAY THE GAME:

Amulet of Yendor 3: The Final Battle was originally released on the TI-83+ graphing calculator, accompanied by a contest: whoever was first to complete the game would win the second most fantastic possession known to man (the first being the Amulet of Yendor itself). After about an hour and a half of rigorous play, Gina Rome emerged as the victor and was named “Champion of Yendor”. For her efforts, she was rewarded with a Wizard of Yendor puppet. Later that day, the Amulet of Yendor trilogy was named Rogue Club’s “Game of the Year” for 2004.

Amulet of Yendor 3 has been ported to the web-based “Mithril Edition” below.

PLAY THE GAME: